I think I won the penis lottery.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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