i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
