he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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