and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
