i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Is it because I queefed?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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