I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
