I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
