Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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