hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
