I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You ate ashes out of my bong
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
