Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
