yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
