The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
