hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
