do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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