I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
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