Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize