How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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