I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize