my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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