They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
