Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
