What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
