tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
