just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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