I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
