he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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