apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
