6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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