I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
