i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
