Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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