you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
