Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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