I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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