You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
