I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
