I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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