I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
