When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just high enough for therapy.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
