And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Someone shattered a urinal.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize