Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
