I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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