so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize