just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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