I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
