i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
This house was built for laser tag.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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