My Higher Power is John Stamos
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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