I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I want a musical about memes.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
