Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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