I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
