I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Alive.
So much puke
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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