I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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