um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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