Need sex. Gaining weight.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Send help, water and tortillas.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
